Day One on Zoloft

Starting today, I am taking an anti-depressant. I will ease up to a full dose over the next week and see my doctor in two weeks. At that point, we will reevaluate and decide if any adjustments are necessary.

People have told me I am brave to have been so forthcoming with my recent issues. I realize that there have been chemical abnormalities in my brain that cause me to feel weird. I know that I have a strong family history of serious mood disorders and that I am breaking the cycle of living in the dark pit.

I feel weak. I feel shame. I feel sorrow for causing pain to myself and my family.

I know that is the depression talking. The stigma of mental health issues. The voice of well-meaning but ignorant church people that say all I have to do is pray harder and have more faith so God will pull me up from the darkness and into the Joy.

One of my favorite authors, Glennon Doyle Melton, has encouraged me today. As she describes in this video, I’m choosing to Do the Next Right Thing, which for me right now is taking an extra pill every day. This is a defining moment for me and for my family, and I’m learning what it is to have Enough.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4:12-13, NIV

Advertisements

Life’s Most Valuable Resource, wasted. This is sobering.

My Facebook Fast was briefly interrupted last weekend as I had an ER visit and was kept for observation. That event is for another post on another day, but I did reach out to about 20 close friends on Facebook at that time. I’m now back on the bandwagon and not missing it a bit.

However, facing a serious health crisis while lying in an ICU bed tends to make one think of mortality and how one’s life is spent. Am I living life well? What would my young children remember of me if I were suddenly gone? Would they remember me hugging on them, cooking with them, doing adventurous things with them? Or, would they remember seeing my face buried in a laptop or phone, attempting to communicate with faceless “friends” in unknown places?

Most people say that Time is life’s most precious resource. It is given to all of us, but we never know how much we have. And when it is gone, it is gone. You can’t get it back. I have been squandering my time away like I have endless stores of it, but my recent health issues have reminded me that my account does have a limit.

Back in January, Facebook celebrated its tenth anniversary. TIME.com posted an article at that time on their Tech page, entitled “How Much Time Have You Wasted On Facebook?” After linking your Facebook profile to their site and estimating how many minutes per day you typically spend on Facebook, a counter begins. You can sit and watch the minutes, hours, and days accumulate as the app scans the timestamps on your Facebook posts and activity. It also shows a counter for how many things you have posted on Facebook since joining the social media site.

I am embarrassed to share mine. What a terrible waste.

Screenshot 2014-07-24 11.03.20

This simply has to change.

I don’t know how many days I have with my husband. With my children. I have faced some serious health issues in the past ten months, and this app now tells me that I have given almost that much time to my computer.

If I am drawn to Facebook primarily out of a need for relationships, then this same need is the exact reason why I should walk away from the site, possibly forever.

In the past couple weeks, I have figured out ways to seek out connection with the important people in my life. I don’t need Facebook to do it for me. When I see the people that matter to me, we actually have real conversations because we have not shared every sordid detail of our lives with each other online. The hardest part has been reminding those still active on the site that I haven’t read their timeline and they have to remember to tell me about things they’ve shared. But all in all, these are very doable adjustments.

I’m so flustered by the Wasted Time Clock pictured above that I can’t even figure out how to end this blog post. Please, be gentle with any judgement you may be tempted to dole out because of my poor time management. Instead, may I suggest that all of us examine ways that we are not present with the loved ones that surround us, and that we try today to eliminate a distraction or two so we can see them and love them, right here, right now.

Because time is ticking away.