Day One on Zoloft

Starting today, I am taking an anti-depressant. I will ease up to a full dose over the next week and see my doctor in two weeks. At that point, we will reevaluate and decide if any adjustments are necessary.

People have told me I am brave to have been so forthcoming with my recent issues. I realize that there have been chemical abnormalities in my brain that cause me to feel weird. I know that I have a strong family history of serious mood disorders and that I am breaking the cycle of living in the dark pit.

I feel weak. I feel shame. I feel sorrow for causing pain to myself and my family.

I know that is the depression talking. The stigma of mental health issues. The voice of well-meaning but ignorant church people that say all I have to do is pray harder and have more faith so God will pull me up from the darkness and into the Joy.

One of my favorite authors, Glennon Doyle Melton, has encouraged me today. As she describes in this video, I’m choosing to Do the Next Right Thing, which for me right now is taking an extra pill every day. This is a defining moment for me and for my family, and I’m learning what it is to have Enough.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4:12-13, NIV

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Trading in my telescope for a magnifying glass…

Time for an update:

I am taking my health quite seriously. A small, credit card-sized heart monitor has joined my daily fashion for a month, and any irregularities are transmitted via land line phone to my heart specialist. The guess is that I may need another surgery for arrhythmia, but we will know much more when/if the monitor catches anything. I have been feeling OK physically and my other cardiologist says he is optimistic. I’ve just begun walking in the mornings after my oldest gets on the school bus. My hope is that the exercise will strengthen my weakened heart muscle as well as boost my mood. Speaking of…

I have an appointment with my general practice doctor tomorrow. The meeting is specifically to discuss my depression and anxiety and attempt to form a plan for recovery. I have been wary of adding medications to my routine, as I jumped from two pills per day last year to now nine (all additions as a result of the discovery of my heart issues). But I have been learning that it is normal for heart patients to experience depression, and that it makes even more sense that I would struggle with it since I was prone to mood disorders before my problems arose last October.

As for the Facebook experiment, well, I am failing. Sorta. The parameters that I set for myself initially allowed contact with friends via Facebook Messenger, but I have found myself also reading my News Feed in the past few days. What jumped out at me was, “Wow, there is a LOT of crap here that I don’t care about or want to know at all.” Since I was already on the site, I edited my Friends List by unfollowing most people. The majority I chose to follow were friends that have made the effort to contact me over the past few weeks, friends that I would consider close, and friends whose posts inspire me or always make me laugh. In other words, I am choosing to invite positive, meaningful relationships into my daily life (when I officially return to FB, of course). I did not unfriend anyone. They will still be able to see my posts if or when I return to posting my own content, and I can look them up specifically if I want to get caught up with their lives. I also weeded out about half of the businesses that I had liked.

I have also decided to take a break from job hunting. The search has been fruitless for months, and I think it is a major contributor to my growing depression. Instead, I have been taking that energy and pouring it into the development of a realistic family budget, the drastic pruning of our expenses, and the discovery of new ways for us to save on necessary purchases. We withdrew a chunk of money from retirement and paid off a large amount of credit card debt. The rest has been transferred to cards with zero interest. In our efforts to save monthly, I was ready to cancel our Hulu Plus subscription… until someone told me about how to earn a free month of the subscription with Bing Rewards. I rid us of that expense, which makes our cord cutting feel like it is even more freeing. I found the app, Price Cruncher, which allows for grocery price comparison. One (long!) Saturday of shopping at seven different grocery stores was eye-opening, and shopping the weekly ads has become a new habit. I’ve also been baking more bread, hanging our laundry out to dry, and making homemade versions of peanut butter, Nutella, laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, and shampoo. Our chickens should be ready to start laying eggs within a month or two, and that should give us a source of small income. Of course, we will also have an abundance of eggs for ourselves, so I have been collecting egg recipes to use for our hen berry harvest.

All of this shows me how important it was for me to walk away from social media for a while, at the precise time at which I did. My focus was waaaay too broad for my own good. I was spending excessive amounts of time trying to take in as many details of the online world as possible, while living in denial and ignoring my own needs. But in the last several weeks, I’ve walked away from the telescope and picked up a magnifying glass. I have chosen to focus on the small little corner of the real world in which I live. That world is messy and broken and ugly and breathtakingly beautiful. So now, I hug my loved ones and get my work gloves on, because there is some hard work to be done.