I realize the focus of my writing has widened beyond just the 99 day Facebook experiment. It now includes the journey of healing I’m beginning with my anxiety and depression. More on that in a minute.
I am two-thirds of the way through the experiment. If you were to look at my profile page on FB, the only posts that I have made were the two that I shared with close friends back when I went to the ER for my heart. All of the other activity is from me being tagged in photos or status updates by other users. To an outsider, it would appear as if I haven’t logged on in weeks… in reality, I have been silently reading the activity of my closest friends for every day of the past few weeks. In my mind, I have justified it because I have not been posting anything for myself, but if I am honest I realize that I have been cheating on the experiment. Facebook has continued to be a time-waster for me. It is interesting, though – I no longer think in status updates. At the beginning of the 99 days, I would have a thought cross my mind and immediately be tempted to type it out for my friends to see, but that urge has completely faded. In contrast, I’ve seen a couple of people’s activity over the past week or so that have caused me to think, “Wow, that person must be really lonely or have nothing to do, because she has posted 4-5 times per day every day this week.” Then I realize, that was me just a few short weeks ago. What in the world?? Why was I so desperate to be noticed? And now, as I fall back into my old habits of reading the site daily – what am I so worried that I’ll miss? I have read absolutely nothing that I couldn’t have learned from other sources. So today, I once again commit myself to staying away from the site. I will reclaim the bits of time that I have spent peering into the carefully crafted windows of others’ lives.
I have been taking a daily anti-depressant for three weeks. I do feel that my mood is lightening. I don’t feel quite as sad, lonely, and hopeless as I have in times past. My medication dosage may need to be tweaked here and there, but I feel like we are on the right path.
Within the next week or so, I will be seeing my electrophysiologist to discuss the results of the thirty day event recorder that I wore to detect any lingering heart abnormalities. It will be interesting to see if it caught anything of note. Personally, I’m almost more excited to eat at the Caribbean restaurant near the doctor’s office than to find out my results. Maybe that is because this cardiac journey has been a very slow one and I’m used to living in uncertainty… but those arepas, plantains, and black beans sound so good!